Beware of Pride

I always know when my husband is in a project planning meeting at work because he starts texting me to see what days we are busy over the next couple of weeks. My husband is a network engineer and often his projects have to be completed after business hours. He knows that I will let him know if there are any major conflicts that might come up in the evenings, such as dance recitals, youth activities and such. It's a great example of my husband letting me influence him. He seeks out my opinion before making decisions on things. alskdjflasdkjf

In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," John M. Gottman wrote, "In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, who we followed for nine years, we found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives' influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct." So, it turns out that when men open themselves up to being influenced by their wives, they will have a happier marriage and be less likely to get divorced. Of course, women should also be open to the influence of their husbands but in most cases, husbands are more likely to need a little work in this area.

If you're not sure how open you are to the influence of your spouse, try taking this simple questionnaire:

Accepting Influence Questionnaire
Read each statement and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”
1. I am really interested in my partner’s opinions on our basic issues. T F 
2. I usually learn a lot from my partner even when we disagree. T F 
3. I want my partner to feel that what he or she says really counts with me. T F 
4. I generally want my partner to feel influential in this marriage. T F
5. I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. T F
6. My partner has a lot of basic common sense. T F
7. I try to communicate respect even during our disagreements. T F
8. If I keep trying to convince my partner, I will eventually win out. T F 
9. I don’t reject my partner’s opinions out of hand. T F
10. My partner is not rational enough to take seriously when we discuss our issues. T F
11. I believe in lots of give and take in our discussions. T F
12. I am very persuasive and usually can win arguments with my partner. T F
13. I feel I have an important say when we make decisions. T F 
14. My partner usually has good ideas. T F
15. My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver. T F 
16. I try to listen respectfully, even when I disagree. T F 
17. My ideas for solutions are usually much better than my partner’s. T F
18 I can usually find something to agree with in my partner’s positions. T F
19. My partner is usually too emotional. T F
20. I am the one who needs to make the major decisions in this relationship. T F

Scoring: (it sounds confusing, but we promise it’s very simple!)
1. Give yourself one point for each “true” answer, except for questions 5, 8, 10, 12, 17, 19, 20.
2. Subtract one point for each “true” answer to questions 5, 8, 10, 12, 17, 19, 20.
6 or above: This is an area of strength in your relationship. You willingly cede power to your spouse, a hallmark of an emotionally intelligent marriage.
Below 6: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. You are having some difficulty accepting influence from your spouse, which can cause a marriage to become dangerously unstable. The first step to righting the situation is to understand just what it means to accept influence. (Gottman, 2015. 128-129)

Grapefruit Syndrome
It's important to counsel with each other and seek for help, advice, and opinions from our spouse. Sometimes this might turn into an "airing of grievances" where we feel we need to share every little thing that bothers us. When Lola B. Waters was newly married, she read an article that said it was helpful for married couples to sit down and share habits in their spouse that they found annoying, to keep resentment from building up. 

"We were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off. After more than fifty years, I remember only my first complaint: grapefruit. I told him that I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange? Although I have forgotten them, I’m sure the rest of my complaints were similar.

After I finished, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me. Though it has been more than half a century, I still carry a mental image of my husband’s handsome young face as he gathered his brows together in a thoughtful, puzzled frown and then looked at me with his large blue-gray eyes and said, “Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.”

Gasp.

I quickly turned my back, because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face. I had found fault with him over such trivial things as the way he ate grapefruit, while he hadn’t even noticed any of my peculiar and no doubt annoying ways.

I wish I could say that this experience completely cured me of fault finding. It didn’t. But it did make me aware early in my marriage that husbands and wives need to keep in perspective, and usually ignore, the small differences in their habits and personalities. Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible, I always wonder if they are suffering from what I now call the Grapefruit Syndrome." (Goddard, 2009. 76-77)

If we can share our thoughts and opinions without turning it into a personal attack, where we focus on our spouse's annoying habits, then being influenced by each other will be a great strength to any marriage. One way to avoid "Grapefruit Syndrome" is to seek to be humble and to try and lift up our spouse instead of tearing them down.

Humbling Ourselves 

President Ezra Taft Benson said, "Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?

We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are.

We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement.

We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us."

When it comes to our marriages, we can be more open to the influence of our spouse if we humble ourselves. We will see the merit and value of our spouse's opinion and seek to include that information in our decision making. If we esteem our spouses as ourselves and lift them higher than we are, we will truly have a blissful marriage.

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.