Managing Conflict and Consecrating Ourselves

My husband does something that really bugs me. It seems that whenever we buy something that comes in a zippered bag, he tears through the middle of the package instead of using the zippered top. I draw you’re your attention to exhibit A:

Whenever this happens, I usually will walk into the kitchen and say, “Wow, it looks like a wild animal opened the package of tortillas. I hope we’re not in any danger with a wild animal on the loose.” My husband will usually shrug his shoulders and say he didn’t know how that could happen or that he didn’t see any wild animals run through. We get a good laugh out of it, especially because his father used to do it when he was a kid and it always bothered him when the cookies would get all stale from being ripped open. He accepts that he comes from a long line of package manglers.

I don’t think there is any way I could have learned about this trait that my husband has before we were married. Could this bother me to the point of causing a wedge between me and my spouse? In some marriages, it could certainly pile on top of other more serious conflicts. Even though this is just a small issue, sometimes our spouse’s actions can cause serious rifts in a marriage.

Perpetual & Solvable Problems

In "The Seven Principles to Make Marriage Work," John Gottman observes that there are two types of problems in a marriage: Solvable and perpetual. 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual, meaning it is something that the couple will never agree on no matter how much time has passed. This could be something like one spouse wanting to have a baby and the other spouse never wanting children. Or one spouse wants to raise their children as Catholics and the other in the Jewish faith. According to Gottman, all marriages will have problems, but it’s just how we learn to cope with and adjust to them that makes our marriages successful.  He states, “When choosing a long-term partner…you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.” Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with.” (Gottman, 2015.)

Solvable problems sound just like what they are. There is a solution available if both partners can agree. Solvable problems can still cause quite a bit of pain and tension, but if approached the right way, these can be resolved in a way that won’t interfere with happiness in the relationship. 

  

Sometimes in an effort to solve perpetual problems, a couple can become “gridlocked.” They spin their wheels, having the same conversation over and over but never make any progress. “When a couple face gridlock, they may attempt to improve the situation by slowly isolating or enclosing the problem area—for example, by tacitly agreeing not to notice or discuss it. They may say, “Let’s just agree to disagree,” They shove it under the rug, but it becomes, in the words of our great poet Robert Creeley, a place where “the rug bunches,” As much as they try to remember to sidestep that place on the rug, they trip over it again and again.” (Gottman, 2015.)The solution isn’t to pretend that the problem doesn’t exist and the great news is that there are ways to live with these differences.

 

The Keys to Managing Conflict

In managing conflict brought on by solvable problems here are some steps to follow:

• Soften your start-up. 
• Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 
• Soothe yourself and each other. 
• Compromise. 
• Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

I’ll focus on improving repair attempts, because as Gottman stated a relationship that has failed repair attempts and the four horsemen present, predicting divorce can be done with over 90% accuracy.

See how you are doing with your repair attempts in the following quiz:

Repair Attempts Questionnaire: 

Read each statement below and choose T for “true” or F for “false.”

During our attempts to resolve conflict: 

1.  We are good at taking breaks when we need them. T F

2.  My partner usually accepts my apologies. T F

3.  I can say that I am wrong. T F

4.  I am pretty good at calming myself down. T F

5.  We can maintain a sense of humor. T F 

6.  When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way, it usually makes a lot of sense. T F

7.  My attempts to repair our discussions when they get negative are usually effective. T F

8.  We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things. T F

9.  If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things. T F

10.  My partner is good at soothing me when I get upset. T F

11.  I feel confident that we can resolve most issues between us. T F

12.  When I comment on how we could communicate better my spouse listens to me. T F 

13.  Even if things get hard at times I know we can get past our differences. T F

14.  We can be affectionate even when we are disagreeing. T F

15.  Teasing and humor usually work to get my partner over negativity. T F

16.  We can start all over again and improve our discussion when we need to. T F

17.  When emotions run hot, expressing how upset I feel makes a real difference. T F

18.  We can discuss even big differences between us. T F

19.  My partner expresses appreciation for nice things I do. T F

20.  If I keep trying to communicate it will eventually work. T F 

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer
6 or Above: This is an area of strength in your relationship. When conflict discussions are at risk of getting out of hand, you are able to put on the brakes and effectively calm each other down.
Below 6: Your relationship could stand some improvement in this area. By learning how to repair your interactions when negativity engulfs you, you can dramatically improve the effectiveness of your problem solving and develop a more positive perspective of each other and your relationship.

(Gottman, 2015.)

Maybe giving repair attempts doesn’t come naturally. As you continually practice, it will become easier and you will be more effective at diffusing the argument and keeping things from spiraling out of control. Consider the following phrases if you are needing help with repair attempts:

1. Please say that more gently.

2. Did I do something wrong?

3. I need your support right now.

4. Can we take a break?

5. I really blew that one.

6. How can I make things better?

7. I agree with part of what you’re saying.

8. I think your point of view makes sense.

9. Let’s start all over again.

10. I understand.

(Gottman, 2015.)

Consecration in Marriage

When we put our best efforts into our marriage and do all that we can to nurture the relationship with our spouse and seek to resolve conflict in a loving way, we will be consecrating ourselves for our marriage. As H. Wallace Goddard wrote, “When we see our challenges within marriage as customized invitations to greater goodness, we will rejoice in His perfect purposes. When we understand our marriages to be the best opportunity we will ever have to show our generosity of spirit, we will be ready to be the kind of partners God would have us be. When we recognize consecration as the training that prepares us for Heaven, we will finally know that consecration is a blessing.” (Goddard, 2009. 111)

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.