Power Relations and Children

This past year, I started serving on my local school board. It’s been a really great experience as I’ve had a chance to help make decisions that affect school policies and budgets and it’s expanded my view of how decisions are made and how we work as a team to get things done. I found this quote from Richard B. Miller, the director of the School of Family Life at BYU, to be so relatable to my experience on the board. In his presentation, “Who is the Boss? Power Relationship in Families,” he states, “In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.” (Miller, 2008) Consider the following guidelines that Miller has outlined in order to have a proper balance of power in the family structure.

Parents are the leader in the family.

I thought about how the board functions for the school and if one person tried to take total control, it wouldn’t be very effective. The only way that resolutions or agenda items can pass in a board meeting is by a majority vote. If one person were disrespectful or demanding that the rest of the board did things his or her way, the result would be that that person would just be alienated from the rest of the board, who would eventually vote to have him or her removed! The most effective way to serve on the board is through respectful dialogue, where each person tries to understand what is being presented by others. There are clearly people who are in charge and have the responsibility to keep things in order, but to function properly, the board works together to make the best decisions for the school. So too, we can work together as family members to do what is best for our families. This means involving our children in making decisions that affect them.

Parents must be united in their leadership.

“Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.” (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, pp. 283–284)

 

The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.

We’ve all heard the jokes about the 30 year old man living in his parents’ basement, and maybe the truth is that when children become adults they need to make their own decisions and live independently from their parents’ rules and demands. “In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.”

That doesn’t mean that as adults we can’t take a break now and then from the responsibilities of life…

The marital relationship should be a partnership.

An important part of balancing power in a marriage is to make sure that each spouse treats the other as an equal partner. The husband should not dominate the wife and the wife should not dominate the husband. The most successful marriages occur when spouses work together equally, sharing responsibilities, decisions and power with each other.  “Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and relationship satisfaction.” (Dr. Ross Eshleman, The Family, 2003, p. 331).

What is the power relationship in your marriage?

Are you unsure what the balance of power is in your marriage? Perhaps your spouse makes all the decisions or doesn’t consider your opinion on family matters. Answer the following questions and rate the answer on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 meaning strongly disagree and 5 meaning strongly agree.

How much do you agree with this statement?

1. My partner tends to discount my opinion.

2. My partner does not listen to me.

3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuses to talk with me about it.

4. My partner tends to dominate our conversations.

5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder.

6. I feel free to express my opinion about issues in our relationship.

7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family without talking to me first.

8. My partner and I talk about problems until we both agree on a solution.

9. When it comes to money, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.

10. I feel like my partner tries to control me.

11. When it comes to children, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.

12. It often seems my partner can get away with things in our relationship that I can never get away with.

13. I feel like I have no choice but to do what my partner wants.

14. My partner has more influence in our relationship than I do.

15. When disagreements arise in our relationship, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.

Finding Balance

If we work to find a balance of power in our marriage, we can be more effective in our family relationships. Just as a school board needs all members to work together to be productive, so too does a family need to work together to run smoothly. If you find there are too many power struggles in your home, think about going back through previous posts and doing those exercises that will increase your fondness and admiration for your spouse and also add more details to your love maps. Having a balance of power will surely lead to a blissful marriage.

References:

Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.