Staying Emotionally Connected

One thing I noticed that my husband always does when I make dinner, is he likes to come up behind me when I’m cooking at the stove and put his arms around me, lean his head down on my shoulder and watch what I’m doing. Since he’s about eight inches taller than me, he will playfully say, “So this is what it’s like be you,” and I know he wants to just say hi after a long day of work. Some days, if I put a piece of bread in the toaster, he’ll say, “Whatcha got there?” and I know he wants me to make a piece of toast for him too. Or he’ll come into the living room with a brush in his hand and tell me that he feels like he’s been rolling in hay and says, “Would you scratch at me?” These are all bids for my attention and are an important part of being emotionally connected to our spouse. 

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Bids for Attention

In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman said, “Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.” Staying emotionally connected is as easy as turning toward our spouse when they bid for our attention.

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If you want to know how well you and your spouse are doing when it comes to turning to each other, ask yourselves the following questions found in Gottman’s book (p.90). Give yourself one point for each true answer and if you scored higher than 12, then turning towards your partner is a great strength in your marriage.

Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance?

• We enjoy doing small things together, like folding laundry or watching TV. (T F)
• I look forward to spending my free time with my partner. (T F) 
  
• At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me. (T F)
• My partner is usually interested in hearing my views. (T F) 
  
• I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. (T F)
• My partner is one of my best friends. (T F)
• I think my partner would consider me a very close friend. (T F) 
  
• We just love talking to each other. (T F)
• When we go out together, the time goes very quickly. (T F) 
  
• We always have a lot to say to each other. (T F) 
  
• We have a lot of fun together. (T F) 
  
• My partner tells me when he or she has had a bad day. (T F) 
  
• We are spiritually very compatible. (T F) 
  
• We tend to share the same basic values. (T F) 
  
• We like to spend time together in similar ways. (T F) 
  
• We really have a lot of common interests. (T F) 
  
• We have many of the same dreams and goals. (T F)
• We like to do a lot of the same things. (T F)
• Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner’s interests. (T F)
• Whatever we do together, we usually have a good time. (T F)  (Gottman, 2015. 90) 

 As H. Wallace Goddard stated, “Our spouses also feel burdened from time to time. Sometimes they seem cranky—but they may be quietly carrying pain and loneliness. Rather than respond to our partner’s negativity, we can invite them to greater closeness and peacefulness when we offer persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned.” (Goddard, 2009. 60)

 

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Sometimes it can be hard to answer our partner’s bid for attention if it is wrapped in anger or other negative emotions or if we’re just plain distracted by technology. Gottman found in his research that if couples responded to bids 86% of the time, they remained married after a six year follow-up. If we do our best to reach out to our partners when they need our love, attention, or affection, marriage will truly be blissful!

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.