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Guiding Children

I remember when I was growing up, my parents would spank me for misbehaving. This was their primary way of disciplining my siblings and me. Once I became a parent, I knew that I didn't want to discipline my children in the same way, and despite earning my Associate's degree in Early Childhood Education, I still found it difficult to know the proper way of disciplining and guiding my children in every situation. 

I was really excited to read some new parenting discipline strategies from Dr. Haim G. Ginott's best-selling parenting book, "Between Parent and Child." He gives outlines important steps that parents can take to discipline their children. 

Respectful Communication

The first suggestion that Ginott gives in his book is that parents learn to set a good tone in their home through good communication. "Parents need a language of compassion, a language that lingers lovingly. They need words that convey feelings, responses that change moods, statements that encourage goodwill, answers that bring insight, replies that radiate respect...Parents speak more intimately, they speak to the heart, when the adopt a language of caring, which is sensitive to children's needs and feelings" (Ginott, 2004, p.193).

I thought it was so interesting in the book that he suggests speaking to our children as if they are doctors. We would never think to speak to doctors in a disrespectful way. Somehow even in the most stressful situations, adults can find a way to communicate with other well-respected adults in an appropriate way. Sometimes this can be hard, especially when parents didn't receive that treatment when they were a child. 

"Parents need to become convinced of the futility of nagging and pushing. Coercive tactics only breed resentment and resistance. External pressure only invites defiance. Instead of trying to impose their will on children, parents are more likely to influence them when they see their children's points of view and involve them in solving a problem (Ginott, 2004, p. 197).

Good Listening Skills

One of the most important things that we can do as parents is to be good listeners. When we listen to our children, they learn that they can trust us, even when they share anger, upsetting thoughts,  complaints, or intense feelings. One of the ways to improve our listening skills is to remove some of the unhelpful responses to "unpleasant truths" (Ginott, 2004, p. 199). Ginott outlines a few examples of parental responses that may push our children further away: 

“What a crazy idea” (dismissing) 

“You know you don’t hate me” (denying) 

“You’re always going off half-cocked” (criticizing) 

“What makes you think you’re so great?" (humiliating) 

“I don’t want to hear another word about it!” (getting angry) (Ginott, 2004, p. 199).

Rather than having these negative reactions when children share things with us, we can have a more positive reaction that will help build trust. We can teach our children that they can trust us to tell us anything by having a more calm, and less judgmental reaction. 

Acknowledge Feelings

Ginott suggests that instead of doing these things, we should acknowledge our child's feelings. This doesn't mean that we agree, but that we are open to listening to things that we might not want to hear or that may even be unpleasant to us. 

"Do not deny your child’s perceptions, do not dispute his feelings, do not disown his wishes, do not deride his taste, do not denigrate his opinions, do not derogate his character, do not argue with his or her experience. Instead, acknowledge" (Ginott, 2004, p. 199).

Use Guidance Instead of Criticism

Another suggestion that Ginott gives is to avoid saying "anything negative to the child about herself." Instead of saying that a child is lazy for not getting their chores done on time, a parent could state the problem and give a possible solution. In the case of the chores, a parent could simply state that they need clean dishes for dinner, and that the dishwasher could be loaded. 

Use "I Statements"

Another helpful tips in guiding children is to use "I statements" like "I'm angry, I'm annoyed, I'm furious" whenever parents are frustrated with their children. This is better than saying insulting or shaming remarks. 

There is a great post about "I Statements" and why they are so effective, especially in a therapy environment. When people use "I statements to share their feelings, it helps them to focus more on the effects of the action rather than the action itself, and in this way it can reduce the urge to blame others, and it also prevents people from projecting their thoughts and feelings onto other people.  

Say "No" Gently

Children have a hard time in knowing what they really want and what they need, so it's important for parents to be careful when telling their children 'no' in a more loving way. It can be hard when children are frequently asking for things in the store that aren't in the budget, and one way that parents can be more gently in saying no is by starting the sentence out by saying, "I wish..." I wish I could get you that new toy, but we just don't have the money right now. I know you would have a lot of fun playing with that.

There are many more wonderful ideas out there to help parents learn how to guide their children, and hopefully this has given you a good start!

Ginott, H. G. (2004). Between parent and child: New solutions to old problems (second edition). Macmillan.

Boundaries

A few years ago, I lived in a home that had no fences. We lived on five acres on a country road. It was great! The area was so peaceful and quiet and my kids had plenty of room to play. The only problem was that the neighbor’s dog was always coming right up to our house and would get into the trash can outside. It got to be pretty bothersome. Another issue we ran into was that we couldn’t keep our own dogs from running all over the neighborhood. Once we did get a fence put in, they would still break out and we’d find them soaking wet from swimming in a neighbor’s pond, or smelling like who knows what! We finally got the situation fixed and it was such a relief to be able to keep the dogs safe in our yard. 

Boundaries

Sometimes our marriages need that same kind of protection. Harper and Olsen (2017) state, “The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. It helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law” (p.2). It’s so important to have that boundary between us and our parents in order to have a healthy marriage relationship. 

Creating an invisible fence in our marriage where there is only a place for husbands and wives to foster their relationship, starts out by separating from parents at marriage. “One of the first scriptures in the Old Testament regarding family relationships is found in Genesis 2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." The Oxford English Dictionary defines cleave as "to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to," and "to remain steadfast."¹ Thus, in cleaving to spouses, newly married couples are to be devoted, faithful, and steadfast to their new companions” (Harper & Olsen, 2017, p.1). When husband and wife get married and physically leave the home to establish their family, it provides the proper environment for the two to cleave to each other and develop devotion and faith in one another.

In-Law Relationships

Sometimes marriage can develop some challenges with all the new family relationships that come with it. Every family has rules and when two people get married, the rules of those two different families can often collide. It can be difficult to get along with in-laws and these relationships can have a huge effect on a marriage. “Research has shown that lack of marital approval, in-law blaming or triangulation, intrusion, forcing loyalty issues, holding grudges, and refusing to redefine one's role as a parent are related to poor in-law relationships and also jeopardize the marriage of the son or daughter. In one study, 80 percent of couples in failed marriages had not gained the approval or support of parents to marry. If parents are anticipating the marriage of their son or daughter, they should encourage the couple to ask both sets of parents for permission to marry, but parents should also find numerous ways to give messages that they trust the child's judgment and see him or her as fully capable of building a good marriage. The idea that good marriages are "found" is too prevalent in society. Rather, strong marriages are built by what couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and siblings on both sides do to help support them” (Harper & Olsen, 2017, p.6). I have personally seen how relationships with in-laws can destroy a good marriage and bring a great strain into the lives of newlywed couples.

There are a few things that in-laws can avoid doing in order to strengthen their child’s marriage:

1. Giving advice
2. Criticizing
3. Pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event
4. Criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren
5. Trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication (Harper & Olsen, 2017, p.9).

The best way to strengthen good relationships with in-laws whether it be the mother/father or daughter/son, is to create an individual relationship with that person. “Having regular contact and communication with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship with them. Frequency of contact and communication that does not interfere with each other's being first in the marriage are important steps for building relationships with parents-in-law.²⁸ Research shows that when daughters-in-law disclose information about themselves, communicate openly, accept differences, use empathy, and push for a relational connection, they can have high-quality relationships with mothers-in-law” (Harper & Olsen, 2017, p.10).

  

If husbands and wives can cleave to each other, put up appropriate boundaries with their parents, and seek good relationships with their in-laws, they will be building a blissful marriage relationship. 

References

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Power Relations and Children

This past year, I started serving on my local school board. It’s been a really great experience as I’ve had a chance to help make decisions that affect school policies and budgets and it’s expanded my view of how decisions are made and how we work as a team to get things done. I found this quote from Richard B. Miller, the director of the School of Family Life at BYU, to be so relatable to my experience on the board. In his presentation, “Who is the Boss? Power Relationship in Families,” he states, “In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.” (Miller, 2008) Consider the following guidelines that Miller has outlined in order to have a proper balance of power in the family structure.

Parents are the leader in the family.

I thought about how the board functions for the school and if one person tried to take total control, it wouldn’t be very effective. The only way that resolutions or agenda items can pass in a board meeting is by a majority vote. If one person were disrespectful or demanding that the rest of the board did things his or her way, the result would be that that person would just be alienated from the rest of the board, who would eventually vote to have him or her removed! The most effective way to serve on the board is through respectful dialogue, where each person tries to understand what is being presented by others. There are clearly people who are in charge and have the responsibility to keep things in order, but to function properly, the board works together to make the best decisions for the school. So too, we can work together as family members to do what is best for our families. This means involving our children in making decisions that affect them.

Parents must be united in their leadership.

“Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.” (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, pp. 283–284)

 

The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.

We’ve all heard the jokes about the 30 year old man living in his parents’ basement, and maybe the truth is that when children become adults they need to make their own decisions and live independently from their parents’ rules and demands. “In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.”

That doesn’t mean that as adults we can’t take a break now and then from the responsibilities of life…

The marital relationship should be a partnership.

An important part of balancing power in a marriage is to make sure that each spouse treats the other as an equal partner. The husband should not dominate the wife and the wife should not dominate the husband. The most successful marriages occur when spouses work together equally, sharing responsibilities, decisions and power with each other.  “Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and relationship satisfaction.” (Dr. Ross Eshleman, The Family, 2003, p. 331).

What is the power relationship in your marriage?

Are you unsure what the balance of power is in your marriage? Perhaps your spouse makes all the decisions or doesn’t consider your opinion on family matters. Answer the following questions and rate the answer on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 meaning strongly disagree and 5 meaning strongly agree.

How much do you agree with this statement?

1. My partner tends to discount my opinion.

2. My partner does not listen to me.

3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuses to talk with me about it.

4. My partner tends to dominate our conversations.

5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder.

6. I feel free to express my opinion about issues in our relationship.

7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family without talking to me first.

8. My partner and I talk about problems until we both agree on a solution.

9. When it comes to money, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.

10. I feel like my partner tries to control me.

11. When it comes to children, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.

12. It often seems my partner can get away with things in our relationship that I can never get away with.

13. I feel like I have no choice but to do what my partner wants.

14. My partner has more influence in our relationship than I do.

15. When disagreements arise in our relationship, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.

Finding Balance

If we work to find a balance of power in our marriage, we can be more effective in our family relationships. Just as a school board needs all members to work together to be productive, so too does a family need to work together to run smoothly. If you find there are too many power struggles in your home, think about going back through previous posts and doing those exercises that will increase your fondness and admiration for your spouse and also add more details to your love maps. Having a balance of power will surely lead to a blissful marriage.

References:

Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Fidelity & Physical Intimacy

I love to watch TV. I don't know why I enjoy it so much but I love to relax and watch TV with my husband, view nature documentaries with my children, or just spend time watching TV by myself to help me unwind after a long and stressful day. I've noticed a very disturbing trend in many shows over recent years. There is very little importance or respect given to fidelity in marriage. Many times if a spouse is unfaithful in their marriage, the show is written in a way to give more sympathy to that character, as if they had no other choice and were validated in their wrongful actions. Another problem with many television shows is that intimacy is portrayed in such a demeaning and shallow way. Intimacy never has any connection to marriage at all. How are these portrayals of relationships affecting us. Is it changing the way we perceive intimacy in marriage as well as fidelity with our spouse? Take a moment to consider the quotes and teaching from religious leaders and marriage and family therapists on the subject. 

Marital Fidelity

Kenneth W. Matheson, a professor at Brigham Young University shared how often times extramarital affairs often begin as emotional infidelity. This means that one person in the marriage starts to form an innocent relationship with a person of the opposite gender. This relationship grows and grows as they spend more time together, possibly give each other gifts and rely on each other for emotional support instead of their spouse. Eventually, they have a special place in their heart for this other person, and they often wish their spouse could be more like this person. Read through the following questions to test if there is any emotional infidelity happening in your marriage.  

"Successful marriages benefit from honest personal assessment of our relationships—both with our spouses and with others. In evaluating whether you have need for improved spiritual fidelity, ask yourself the following questions.

• “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”
• “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”
• “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”
• “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”
• “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”
• “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”
• “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”
• “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

Depending on how you answer these questions, you may need to make some changes in your life. Consider an open and honest conversation with your spouse—being sure to focus on yourself and not the other person. If you find you have some real challenges to overcome, you may want to talk with your bishop." (Matheson, 2009)

We can safeguard our marriage by saving that special part of our heart that is only for our spouse. If we avoid developing deep, emotional relationships with other people of the opposite gender or to whom we are attracted, and focus on strengthening the relationship with our spouse then our marriages will be much more successful. 

Physical Intimacy

It's so difficult to have a healthy view on sexuality in marriage with all the images that we see in the media. Because sexual explicitness is so widely distributed, it's become a normal part of TV viewing. It's common to see extramarital affairs as well as sexual intimacy outside of marriage. Many people don't accept these messages from the media and sometimes can turn in a complete opposite direction, that sex is inherently evil and is only endured in marriage in order to have children. Both ideas can be destructive to having healthy marital intimacy. 

Matheson once again stated, 

"In my work as a marriage counselor, I have found that there are some couples who feel that sexuality should be restricted to one dimension—reproduction. Yet President Kimball has said: “We know of no directive from the Lord that proper sexual experiences between husbands and wives need be limited totally to the procreation of children.” (Ensign, Oct. 1975, p. 4.) While creating children is an integral and beautiful aspect of marital intimacy, to use it only for that purpose is to deny its great potential as an expression of love, commitment, and unity. On the other hand, there are couples who seem to feel that the only reason for sexuality is physical gratification. These people become so obsessed with the achievement of sensation that the emotion of love is all but forgotten. Still others use sexuality as a weapon or a bargaining tool. This is not only a misuse of a God-given privilege, it shows great selfishness on the part of one or both partners and makes sexuality a destructive rather than a unifying element in marriage." (Matheson, 2009)

 

The truth is that sexual intimacy and fidelity is a vital part of a joyful marriage. Sexual intimacy in marriage cannot and should not be portrayed for all to see on an evening sitcom. It is a sacred and unifying part of every loving marriage. Fidelity and chastity can be shown for all to see. We can support those shows that portray morals and values that strengthen marriage. Even if we can't find any examples of this in the media, we can still live it in our own lives and teach its importance to our children. 

Selflessness

The most important aspect to fidelity and physical intimacy in marriage is that the only way to have a truly healthy marriage in those regards is through selflessness. 

As Brent A. Barlow recalled, 

"One great problem in this, as in all other aspects of marriage, is selfishness. I doubt that there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christlike love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves. Yet few of us, even those of us in a seemingly good marriage, have learned to do this as well as we could or should. It’s not always easy to put all other considerations aside and look to our companion to see what his or her needs are and then do our best to fulfill them. One young wife said that the problem isn’t necessarily that husbands and wives don’t know how to love each other, but that “people don’t know how to love people.” We tend to do for others what would make us happy if someone would do the same for us. And afterward we wonder why the other person isn’t happy. One great key to success in marriage is to find out what would make our spouse happy and then to find joy in providing that happiness. When we see sexuality as a vital part of marital harmony and happiness, it becomes more than something we simply give or receive. I like to think of it as something a husband and wife can share. It might be called a sexual guardianship."  (Barlow, 1986, 49)

When we look for and fulfill the needs of our spouse, we will cultivate greater fidelity and physical intimacy that cannot be found in any worldly TV show, book or magazine. Physical intimacy and emotional fidelity are truly the capstone for a blissful marriage. 

References: 

Barlow, B. A. "They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on intimacy in marriage,": Thoughts on intimacy in marriage", Ensign, Sept 1986, 49.

Matheson, K.W. "Fidelity in marriage: It's more than you think." Ensign, Sept. 2009, 13-16.

Seeking to Understand

As a mom of six children, I am constantly playing the “What is that smell?” game. This very morning, I opened my bedroom door and was immediately greeted with an unpleasant aroma. I instinctively put my detective skills to work to snuff out the source of the pungent odor. Was it an old bowl of oatmeal stashed in the cupboard? Or perhaps something lurking in the bottom of the trashcan? Does the baby need his diaper changed? Turns out it was the latter and I took care of it right away. Thankfully, the smell soon dissipated and everyone in the household went back to normal. 

In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John M. Gottman describes that we can use “marital poop detectors’ in our marriage relationships. “Those who refused to put up with lots of negativity—who insisted on gently confronting each other when, say, contempt or defensiveness threatened to become pervasive, wound up happy and satisfied years later. These findings suggest that every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right!”

Just as I woke up in the morning and something didn’t smell right, so too can we examine our relationships and determine if something isn’t right. Maybe our spouse is more irritable or doesn’t want to spend any time together. Maybe we are feeling more distant from our spouse and wish we were closer. The following questionnaire will help you to examine the relationship to see if there is something that needs to be addressed.

The Marital Poop Detector Questionnaire

Instructions:

Use this questionnaire to assess how things went in your marriage today (or lately), and whether you want to gently bring up an issue that will draw the two of you closer. Check as many as you think apply. If you check more than four, think about talking things over gently with your partner, within the next three days.

1. I have been acting irritably.
2. I have been feeling emotionally distant
3. There has been a lot of tension between us.
4. I find myself wanting to be somewhere else.
5. I have been feeling lonely.
6. My partner has seemed emotionally unavailable to me.
7. I have been angry.
8. We have been out of touch with each other.
9. My partner has little idea of what I am thinking lately.
10. We have been under a great deal of stress and it has taken its toll on us.
11. I wish we were closer right now.
12. I have wanted to be alone a lot.
13. My partner has been irritably.
14. My partner has been emotionally distant
15. My partner's attention seems to be somewhere else.
16. I have been emotionally unavailable to my partner.
17. My partner has been angry.
18. I have little idea of what my partner is thinking.
19. My partner has wanted to be alone a lot.
20. We really need to talk.
21. We haven't been communicating very well.
22. We have been fighting more than usual.
23. Lately small issues escalate.
24. We have been hurting one another's feelings.
25. There hasn't been very much fun or joy in our lives. (Gottman, 2015. 281-282)

It can be hard to talk about challenges in a marriage. Just like changing a poopy diaper or taking out the trash, sometimes we may not want to deal with it or our spouses may not want to either. Remember when talking it out to use the other principles of positive communication like having a soft startup and using repair attempts. 

Forgive Yourself

According to Gottman, one source of criticism in a marriage can come from a spouse who experiences a great deal of self-doubt. “It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of on’es life. Particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself…If you consider yourself inadequate, you are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner…The best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws…One route toward forgiveness may be your personal spiritual beliefs…Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism.” 

If we are struggling with self-criticism and having it spill into the rest of our life, then we can counter that by trying to accept the person that we are, and look for the good things in our lives. Here are a couple of ideas for how to show more gratitude.

An Exercise in Thanksgiving

Step 1. For one week try to be aware of your tendency to criticize, to see what is missing, to focus on what is not there and comment on it. Try instead to focus on what is right. Notice what you have and what others contribute. Search for things to praise. Begin with simple things. Praise the world. Appreciate your own breathing, the sunrise, the beauty of a rainstorm, the wonder in your child’s eyes. Utter some silent words of thanksgiving (to no one in particular) for these small wonders in your day. This will begin to change your focus on the negative.

Step 2. Give at least one genuine, heartfelt praise to your spouse each day for an entire week. Notice the effects of this exercise on your partner and yourself. If you are able, extend the exercise one more day. Then add another day. Extend the exercise to others — for example, to your children. When you meet someone new, look for what is special about this person. Appreciate these qualities. Remember, this all has to be genuine and heartfelt. Don’t be phony. Notice these positive qualities. Enjoy them. Try to tell people what you notice and genuinely appreciate about them. Just find one thing for each person. Ignore the shortcomings. (Gottman, 2015. 283-284)

As we seek to find the things in our marriage that just don’t smell right, seek to accept ourselves as we are and show gratitude each day, it will greatly strengthen our relationships and we will truly have a blissful marriage.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.