Power Relations and Children

This past year, I started serving on my local school board. It’s been a really great experience as I’ve had a chance to help make decisions that affect school policies and budgets and it’s expanded my view of how decisions are made and how we work as a team to get things done. I found this quote from Richard B. Miller, the director of the School of Family Life at BYU, to be so relatable to my experience on the board. In his presentation, “Who is the Boss? Power Relationship in Families,” he states, “In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family. As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.” (Miller, 2008) Consider the following guidelines that Miller has outlined in order to have a proper balance of power in the family structure.

Parents are the leader in the family.

I thought about how the board functions for the school and if one person tried to take total control, it wouldn’t be very effective. The only way that resolutions or agenda items can pass in a board meeting is by a majority vote. If one person were disrespectful or demanding that the rest of the board did things his or her way, the result would be that that person would just be alienated from the rest of the board, who would eventually vote to have him or her removed! The most effective way to serve on the board is through respectful dialogue, where each person tries to understand what is being presented by others. There are clearly people who are in charge and have the responsibility to keep things in order, but to function properly, the board works together to make the best decisions for the school. So too, we can work together as family members to do what is best for our families. This means involving our children in making decisions that affect them.

Parents must be united in their leadership.

“Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.” (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, pp. 283–284)

 

The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.

We’ve all heard the jokes about the 30 year old man living in his parents’ basement, and maybe the truth is that when children become adults they need to make their own decisions and live independently from their parents’ rules and demands. “In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.”

That doesn’t mean that as adults we can’t take a break now and then from the responsibilities of life…

The marital relationship should be a partnership.

An important part of balancing power in a marriage is to make sure that each spouse treats the other as an equal partner. The husband should not dominate the wife and the wife should not dominate the husband. The most successful marriages occur when spouses work together equally, sharing responsibilities, decisions and power with each other.  “Joint decision making, sharing marital powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and relationship satisfaction.” (Dr. Ross Eshleman, The Family, 2003, p. 331).

What is the power relationship in your marriage?

Are you unsure what the balance of power is in your marriage? Perhaps your spouse makes all the decisions or doesn’t consider your opinion on family matters. Answer the following questions and rate the answer on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 meaning strongly disagree and 5 meaning strongly agree.

How much do you agree with this statement?

1. My partner tends to discount my opinion.

2. My partner does not listen to me.

3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuses to talk with me about it.

4. My partner tends to dominate our conversations.

5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder.

6. I feel free to express my opinion about issues in our relationship.

7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family without talking to me first.

8. My partner and I talk about problems until we both agree on a solution.

9. When it comes to money, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.

10. I feel like my partner tries to control me.

11. When it comes to children, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.

12. It often seems my partner can get away with things in our relationship that I can never get away with.

13. I feel like I have no choice but to do what my partner wants.

14. My partner has more influence in our relationship than I do.

15. When disagreements arise in our relationship, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.

Finding Balance

If we work to find a balance of power in our marriage, we can be more effective in our family relationships. Just as a school board needs all members to work together to be productive, so too does a family need to work together to run smoothly. If you find there are too many power struggles in your home, think about going back through previous posts and doing those exercises that will increase your fondness and admiration for your spouse and also add more details to your love maps. Having a balance of power will surely lead to a blissful marriage.

References:

Richard B. Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

Fidelity & Physical Intimacy

I love to watch TV. I don't know why I enjoy it so much but I love to relax and watch TV with my husband, view nature documentaries with my children, or just spend time watching TV by myself to help me unwind after a long and stressful day. I've noticed a very disturbing trend in many shows over recent years. There is very little importance or respect given to fidelity in marriage. Many times if a spouse is unfaithful in their marriage, the show is written in a way to give more sympathy to that character, as if they had no other choice and were validated in their wrongful actions. Another problem with many television shows is that intimacy is portrayed in such a demeaning and shallow way. Intimacy never has any connection to marriage at all. How are these portrayals of relationships affecting us. Is it changing the way we perceive intimacy in marriage as well as fidelity with our spouse? Take a moment to consider the quotes and teaching from religious leaders and marriage and family therapists on the subject. 

Marital Fidelity

Kenneth W. Matheson, a professor at Brigham Young University shared how often times extramarital affairs often begin as emotional infidelity. This means that one person in the marriage starts to form an innocent relationship with a person of the opposite gender. This relationship grows and grows as they spend more time together, possibly give each other gifts and rely on each other for emotional support instead of their spouse. Eventually, they have a special place in their heart for this other person, and they often wish their spouse could be more like this person. Read through the following questions to test if there is any emotional infidelity happening in your marriage.  

"Successful marriages benefit from honest personal assessment of our relationships—both with our spouses and with others. In evaluating whether you have need for improved spiritual fidelity, ask yourself the following questions.

• “Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?”
• “Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you’re at home?”
• “Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn’t require you to be together?”
• “Do you e-mail and text your friend when you’re not together?”
• “Have you told your spouse about these messages?”
• “Does the relationship with your friend take more of your time and energy than your relationship with your spouse?”
• “Do you compare your spouse to your friend?”
• “Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?”

Depending on how you answer these questions, you may need to make some changes in your life. Consider an open and honest conversation with your spouse—being sure to focus on yourself and not the other person. If you find you have some real challenges to overcome, you may want to talk with your bishop." (Matheson, 2009)

We can safeguard our marriage by saving that special part of our heart that is only for our spouse. If we avoid developing deep, emotional relationships with other people of the opposite gender or to whom we are attracted, and focus on strengthening the relationship with our spouse then our marriages will be much more successful. 

Physical Intimacy

It's so difficult to have a healthy view on sexuality in marriage with all the images that we see in the media. Because sexual explicitness is so widely distributed, it's become a normal part of TV viewing. It's common to see extramarital affairs as well as sexual intimacy outside of marriage. Many people don't accept these messages from the media and sometimes can turn in a complete opposite direction, that sex is inherently evil and is only endured in marriage in order to have children. Both ideas can be destructive to having healthy marital intimacy. 

Matheson once again stated, 

"In my work as a marriage counselor, I have found that there are some couples who feel that sexuality should be restricted to one dimension—reproduction. Yet President Kimball has said: “We know of no directive from the Lord that proper sexual experiences between husbands and wives need be limited totally to the procreation of children.” (Ensign, Oct. 1975, p. 4.) While creating children is an integral and beautiful aspect of marital intimacy, to use it only for that purpose is to deny its great potential as an expression of love, commitment, and unity. On the other hand, there are couples who seem to feel that the only reason for sexuality is physical gratification. These people become so obsessed with the achievement of sensation that the emotion of love is all but forgotten. Still others use sexuality as a weapon or a bargaining tool. This is not only a misuse of a God-given privilege, it shows great selfishness on the part of one or both partners and makes sexuality a destructive rather than a unifying element in marriage." (Matheson, 2009)

 

The truth is that sexual intimacy and fidelity is a vital part of a joyful marriage. Sexual intimacy in marriage cannot and should not be portrayed for all to see on an evening sitcom. It is a sacred and unifying part of every loving marriage. Fidelity and chastity can be shown for all to see. We can support those shows that portray morals and values that strengthen marriage. Even if we can't find any examples of this in the media, we can still live it in our own lives and teach its importance to our children. 

Selflessness

The most important aspect to fidelity and physical intimacy in marriage is that the only way to have a truly healthy marriage in those regards is through selflessness. 

As Brent A. Barlow recalled, 

"One great problem in this, as in all other aspects of marriage, is selfishness. I doubt that there is any human relationship better than marriage to teach us the need for Christlike love—that unqualified and unconditional love that persuades us to think more of another than we think of ourselves. Yet few of us, even those of us in a seemingly good marriage, have learned to do this as well as we could or should. It’s not always easy to put all other considerations aside and look to our companion to see what his or her needs are and then do our best to fulfill them. One young wife said that the problem isn’t necessarily that husbands and wives don’t know how to love each other, but that “people don’t know how to love people.” We tend to do for others what would make us happy if someone would do the same for us. And afterward we wonder why the other person isn’t happy. One great key to success in marriage is to find out what would make our spouse happy and then to find joy in providing that happiness. When we see sexuality as a vital part of marital harmony and happiness, it becomes more than something we simply give or receive. I like to think of it as something a husband and wife can share. It might be called a sexual guardianship."  (Barlow, 1986, 49)

When we look for and fulfill the needs of our spouse, we will cultivate greater fidelity and physical intimacy that cannot be found in any worldly TV show, book or magazine. Physical intimacy and emotional fidelity are truly the capstone for a blissful marriage. 

References: 

Barlow, B. A. "They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on intimacy in marriage,": Thoughts on intimacy in marriage", Ensign, Sept 1986, 49.

Matheson, K.W. "Fidelity in marriage: It's more than you think." Ensign, Sept. 2009, 13-16.

Seeking to Understand

As a mom of six children, I am constantly playing the “What is that smell?” game. This very morning, I opened my bedroom door and was immediately greeted with an unpleasant aroma. I instinctively put my detective skills to work to snuff out the source of the pungent odor. Was it an old bowl of oatmeal stashed in the cupboard? Or perhaps something lurking in the bottom of the trashcan? Does the baby need his diaper changed? Turns out it was the latter and I took care of it right away. Thankfully, the smell soon dissipated and everyone in the household went back to normal. 

In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John M. Gottman describes that we can use “marital poop detectors’ in our marriage relationships. “Those who refused to put up with lots of negativity—who insisted on gently confronting each other when, say, contempt or defensiveness threatened to become pervasive, wound up happy and satisfied years later. These findings suggest that every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right!”

Just as I woke up in the morning and something didn’t smell right, so too can we examine our relationships and determine if something isn’t right. Maybe our spouse is more irritable or doesn’t want to spend any time together. Maybe we are feeling more distant from our spouse and wish we were closer. The following questionnaire will help you to examine the relationship to see if there is something that needs to be addressed.

The Marital Poop Detector Questionnaire

Instructions:

Use this questionnaire to assess how things went in your marriage today (or lately), and whether you want to gently bring up an issue that will draw the two of you closer. Check as many as you think apply. If you check more than four, think about talking things over gently with your partner, within the next three days.

1. I have been acting irritably.
2. I have been feeling emotionally distant
3. There has been a lot of tension between us.
4. I find myself wanting to be somewhere else.
5. I have been feeling lonely.
6. My partner has seemed emotionally unavailable to me.
7. I have been angry.
8. We have been out of touch with each other.
9. My partner has little idea of what I am thinking lately.
10. We have been under a great deal of stress and it has taken its toll on us.
11. I wish we were closer right now.
12. I have wanted to be alone a lot.
13. My partner has been irritably.
14. My partner has been emotionally distant
15. My partner's attention seems to be somewhere else.
16. I have been emotionally unavailable to my partner.
17. My partner has been angry.
18. I have little idea of what my partner is thinking.
19. My partner has wanted to be alone a lot.
20. We really need to talk.
21. We haven't been communicating very well.
22. We have been fighting more than usual.
23. Lately small issues escalate.
24. We have been hurting one another's feelings.
25. There hasn't been very much fun or joy in our lives. (Gottman, 2015. 281-282)

It can be hard to talk about challenges in a marriage. Just like changing a poopy diaper or taking out the trash, sometimes we may not want to deal with it or our spouses may not want to either. Remember when talking it out to use the other principles of positive communication like having a soft startup and using repair attempts. 

Forgive Yourself

According to Gottman, one source of criticism in a marriage can come from a spouse who experiences a great deal of self-doubt. “It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of on’es life. Particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself…If you consider yourself inadequate, you are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner…The best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws…One route toward forgiveness may be your personal spiritual beliefs…Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism.” 

If we are struggling with self-criticism and having it spill into the rest of our life, then we can counter that by trying to accept the person that we are, and look for the good things in our lives. Here are a couple of ideas for how to show more gratitude.

An Exercise in Thanksgiving

Step 1. For one week try to be aware of your tendency to criticize, to see what is missing, to focus on what is not there and comment on it. Try instead to focus on what is right. Notice what you have and what others contribute. Search for things to praise. Begin with simple things. Praise the world. Appreciate your own breathing, the sunrise, the beauty of a rainstorm, the wonder in your child’s eyes. Utter some silent words of thanksgiving (to no one in particular) for these small wonders in your day. This will begin to change your focus on the negative.

Step 2. Give at least one genuine, heartfelt praise to your spouse each day for an entire week. Notice the effects of this exercise on your partner and yourself. If you are able, extend the exercise one more day. Then add another day. Extend the exercise to others — for example, to your children. When you meet someone new, look for what is special about this person. Appreciate these qualities. Remember, this all has to be genuine and heartfelt. Don’t be phony. Notice these positive qualities. Enjoy them. Try to tell people what you notice and genuinely appreciate about them. Just find one thing for each person. Ignore the shortcomings. (Gottman, 2015. 283-284)

As we seek to find the things in our marriage that just don’t smell right, seek to accept ourselves as we are and show gratitude each day, it will greatly strengthen our relationships and we will truly have a blissful marriage.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Managing Conflict and Consecrating Ourselves

My husband does something that really bugs me. It seems that whenever we buy something that comes in a zippered bag, he tears through the middle of the package instead of using the zippered top. I draw you’re your attention to exhibit A:

Whenever this happens, I usually will walk into the kitchen and say, “Wow, it looks like a wild animal opened the package of tortillas. I hope we’re not in any danger with a wild animal on the loose.” My husband will usually shrug his shoulders and say he didn’t know how that could happen or that he didn’t see any wild animals run through. We get a good laugh out of it, especially because his father used to do it when he was a kid and it always bothered him when the cookies would get all stale from being ripped open. He accepts that he comes from a long line of package manglers.

I don’t think there is any way I could have learned about this trait that my husband has before we were married. Could this bother me to the point of causing a wedge between me and my spouse? In some marriages, it could certainly pile on top of other more serious conflicts. Even though this is just a small issue, sometimes our spouse’s actions can cause serious rifts in a marriage.

Perpetual & Solvable Problems

In "The Seven Principles to Make Marriage Work," John Gottman observes that there are two types of problems in a marriage: Solvable and perpetual. 69% of all problems in marriage are perpetual, meaning it is something that the couple will never agree on no matter how much time has passed. This could be something like one spouse wanting to have a baby and the other spouse never wanting children. Or one spouse wants to raise their children as Catholics and the other in the Jewish faith. According to Gottman, all marriages will have problems, but it’s just how we learn to cope with and adjust to them that makes our marriages successful.  He states, “When choosing a long-term partner…you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.” Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with.” (Gottman, 2015.)

Solvable problems sound just like what they are. There is a solution available if both partners can agree. Solvable problems can still cause quite a bit of pain and tension, but if approached the right way, these can be resolved in a way that won’t interfere with happiness in the relationship. 

  

Sometimes in an effort to solve perpetual problems, a couple can become “gridlocked.” They spin their wheels, having the same conversation over and over but never make any progress. “When a couple face gridlock, they may attempt to improve the situation by slowly isolating or enclosing the problem area—for example, by tacitly agreeing not to notice or discuss it. They may say, “Let’s just agree to disagree,” They shove it under the rug, but it becomes, in the words of our great poet Robert Creeley, a place where “the rug bunches,” As much as they try to remember to sidestep that place on the rug, they trip over it again and again.” (Gottman, 2015.)The solution isn’t to pretend that the problem doesn’t exist and the great news is that there are ways to live with these differences.

 

The Keys to Managing Conflict

In managing conflict brought on by solvable problems here are some steps to follow:

• Soften your start-up. 
• Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 
• Soothe yourself and each other. 
• Compromise. 
• Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

I’ll focus on improving repair attempts, because as Gottman stated a relationship that has failed repair attempts and the four horsemen present, predicting divorce can be done with over 90% accuracy.

See how you are doing with your repair attempts in the following quiz:

Repair Attempts Questionnaire: 

Read each statement below and choose T for “true” or F for “false.”

During our attempts to resolve conflict: 

1.  We are good at taking breaks when we need them. T F

2.  My partner usually accepts my apologies. T F

3.  I can say that I am wrong. T F

4.  I am pretty good at calming myself down. T F

5.  We can maintain a sense of humor. T F 

6.  When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way, it usually makes a lot of sense. T F

7.  My attempts to repair our discussions when they get negative are usually effective. T F

8.  We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things. T F

9.  If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things. T F

10.  My partner is good at soothing me when I get upset. T F

11.  I feel confident that we can resolve most issues between us. T F

12.  When I comment on how we could communicate better my spouse listens to me. T F 

13.  Even if things get hard at times I know we can get past our differences. T F

14.  We can be affectionate even when we are disagreeing. T F

15.  Teasing and humor usually work to get my partner over negativity. T F

16.  We can start all over again and improve our discussion when we need to. T F

17.  When emotions run hot, expressing how upset I feel makes a real difference. T F

18.  We can discuss even big differences between us. T F

19.  My partner expresses appreciation for nice things I do. T F

20.  If I keep trying to communicate it will eventually work. T F 

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer
6 or Above: This is an area of strength in your relationship. When conflict discussions are at risk of getting out of hand, you are able to put on the brakes and effectively calm each other down.
Below 6: Your relationship could stand some improvement in this area. By learning how to repair your interactions when negativity engulfs you, you can dramatically improve the effectiveness of your problem solving and develop a more positive perspective of each other and your relationship.

(Gottman, 2015.)

Maybe giving repair attempts doesn’t come naturally. As you continually practice, it will become easier and you will be more effective at diffusing the argument and keeping things from spiraling out of control. Consider the following phrases if you are needing help with repair attempts:

1. Please say that more gently.

2. Did I do something wrong?

3. I need your support right now.

4. Can we take a break?

5. I really blew that one.

6. How can I make things better?

7. I agree with part of what you’re saying.

8. I think your point of view makes sense.

9. Let’s start all over again.

10. I understand.

(Gottman, 2015.)

Consecration in Marriage

When we put our best efforts into our marriage and do all that we can to nurture the relationship with our spouse and seek to resolve conflict in a loving way, we will be consecrating ourselves for our marriage. As H. Wallace Goddard wrote, “When we see our challenges within marriage as customized invitations to greater goodness, we will rejoice in His perfect purposes. When we understand our marriages to be the best opportunity we will ever have to show our generosity of spirit, we will be ready to be the kind of partners God would have us be. When we recognize consecration as the training that prepares us for Heaven, we will finally know that consecration is a blessing.” (Goddard, 2009. 111)

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Beware of Pride

I always know when my husband is in a project planning meeting at work because he starts texting me to see what days we are busy over the next couple of weeks. My husband is a network engineer and often his projects have to be completed after business hours. He knows that I will let him know if there are any major conflicts that might come up in the evenings, such as dance recitals, youth activities and such. It's a great example of my husband letting me influence him. He seeks out my opinion before making decisions on things. alskdjflasdkjf

In "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," John M. Gottman wrote, "In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, who we followed for nine years, we found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives' influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct." So, it turns out that when men open themselves up to being influenced by their wives, they will have a happier marriage and be less likely to get divorced. Of course, women should also be open to the influence of their husbands but in most cases, husbands are more likely to need a little work in this area.

If you're not sure how open you are to the influence of your spouse, try taking this simple questionnaire:

Accepting Influence Questionnaire
Read each statement and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”
1. I am really interested in my partner’s opinions on our basic issues. T F 
2. I usually learn a lot from my partner even when we disagree. T F 
3. I want my partner to feel that what he or she says really counts with me. T F 
4. I generally want my partner to feel influential in this marriage. T F
5. I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. T F
6. My partner has a lot of basic common sense. T F
7. I try to communicate respect even during our disagreements. T F
8. If I keep trying to convince my partner, I will eventually win out. T F 
9. I don’t reject my partner’s opinions out of hand. T F
10. My partner is not rational enough to take seriously when we discuss our issues. T F
11. I believe in lots of give and take in our discussions. T F
12. I am very persuasive and usually can win arguments with my partner. T F
13. I feel I have an important say when we make decisions. T F 
14. My partner usually has good ideas. T F
15. My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver. T F 
16. I try to listen respectfully, even when I disagree. T F 
17. My ideas for solutions are usually much better than my partner’s. T F
18 I can usually find something to agree with in my partner’s positions. T F
19. My partner is usually too emotional. T F
20. I am the one who needs to make the major decisions in this relationship. T F

Scoring: (it sounds confusing, but we promise it’s very simple!)
1. Give yourself one point for each “true” answer, except for questions 5, 8, 10, 12, 17, 19, 20.
2. Subtract one point for each “true” answer to questions 5, 8, 10, 12, 17, 19, 20.
6 or above: This is an area of strength in your relationship. You willingly cede power to your spouse, a hallmark of an emotionally intelligent marriage.
Below 6: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. You are having some difficulty accepting influence from your spouse, which can cause a marriage to become dangerously unstable. The first step to righting the situation is to understand just what it means to accept influence. (Gottman, 2015. 128-129)

Grapefruit Syndrome
It's important to counsel with each other and seek for help, advice, and opinions from our spouse. Sometimes this might turn into an "airing of grievances" where we feel we need to share every little thing that bothers us. When Lola B. Waters was newly married, she read an article that said it was helpful for married couples to sit down and share habits in their spouse that they found annoying, to keep resentment from building up. 

"We were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off. After more than fifty years, I remember only my first complaint: grapefruit. I told him that I didn’t like the way he ate grapefruit. He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I knew ate grapefruit like that. Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange? Although I have forgotten them, I’m sure the rest of my complaints were similar.

After I finished, it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me. Though it has been more than half a century, I still carry a mental image of my husband’s handsome young face as he gathered his brows together in a thoughtful, puzzled frown and then looked at me with his large blue-gray eyes and said, “Well, to tell the truth, I can’t think of anything I don’t like about you, Honey.”

Gasp.

I quickly turned my back, because I didn’t know how to explain the tears that had filled my eyes and were running down my face. I had found fault with him over such trivial things as the way he ate grapefruit, while he hadn’t even noticed any of my peculiar and no doubt annoying ways.

I wish I could say that this experience completely cured me of fault finding. It didn’t. But it did make me aware early in my marriage that husbands and wives need to keep in perspective, and usually ignore, the small differences in their habits and personalities. Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible, I always wonder if they are suffering from what I now call the Grapefruit Syndrome." (Goddard, 2009. 76-77)

If we can share our thoughts and opinions without turning it into a personal attack, where we focus on our spouse's annoying habits, then being influenced by each other will be a great strength to any marriage. One way to avoid "Grapefruit Syndrome" is to seek to be humble and to try and lift up our spouse instead of tearing them down.

Humbling Ourselves 

President Ezra Taft Benson said, "Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?

We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are.

We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement.

We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us."

When it comes to our marriages, we can be more open to the influence of our spouse if we humble ourselves. We will see the merit and value of our spouse's opinion and seek to include that information in our decision making. If we esteem our spouses as ourselves and lift them higher than we are, we will truly have a blissful marriage.

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.