A
few years ago, I lived in a home that had no fences. We lived on five
acres on a country road. It was great! The area was so peaceful and
quiet and my kids had plenty of room to play. The only problem was that
the neighbor’s dog was always coming right up to our house and would get
into the trash can outside. It got to be pretty bothersome. Another
issue we ran into was that we couldn’t keep our own dogs from running
all over the neighborhood. Once we did get a fence put in, they would
still break out and we’d find them soaking wet from swimming in a
neighbor’s pond, or smelling like who knows what! We finally got the
situation fixed and it was such a relief to be able to keep the dogs
safe in our yard.
Boundaries
Sometimes
our marriages need that same kind of protection. Harper and Olsen
(2017) state, “The first task of a newly married couple is to separate
from the families in which they grew up. One component of separating
from families of origin involves creating a marital identity. It helps a
newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside
an invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other
inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be
shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and
certainly not with parents or parents-in-law” (p.2). It’s so important
to have that boundary between us and our parents in order to have a
healthy marriage relationship.
Creating
an invisible fence in our marriage where there is only a place for
husbands and wives to foster their relationship, starts out by
separating from parents at marriage. “One of the first scriptures in the
Old Testament regarding family relationships is found in Genesis
2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall
cleave unto his wife." The Oxford English Dictionary defines cleave as
"to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to," and "to remain
steadfast."¹ Thus, in cleaving to spouses, newly married couples are to
be devoted, faithful, and steadfast to their new companions” (Harper
& Olsen, 2017, p.1). When husband and wife get married and
physically leave the home to establish their family, it provides the
proper environment for the two to cleave to each other and develop
devotion and faith in one another.
In-Law Relationships
Sometimes
marriage can develop some challenges with all the new family
relationships that come with it. Every family has rules and when two
people get married, the rules of those two different families can often
collide. It can be difficult to get along with in-laws and these
relationships can have a huge effect on a marriage. “Research has shown
that lack of marital approval, in-law blaming or triangulation,
intrusion, forcing loyalty issues, holding grudges, and refusing to
redefine one's role as a parent are related to poor in-law relationships
and also jeopardize the marriage of the son or daughter. In one
study, 80 percent of couples in failed marriages had not gained the
approval or support of parents to marry. If parents are anticipating
the marriage of their son or daughter, they should encourage the couple
to ask both sets of parents for permission to marry, but parents should
also find numerous ways to give messages that they trust the
child's judgment and see him or her as fully capable of building a good
marriage. The idea that good marriages are "found" is too prevalent in
society. Rather, strong marriages are built by what
couples choose to do once they are married and by what parents and
siblings on both sides do to help support them” (Harper & Olsen,
2017, p.6). I have personally seen how relationships with in-laws can
destroy a good marriage and bring a great strain into the lives of
newlywed couples.
There are a few things that in-laws can avoid doing in order to strengthen their child’s marriage:
- Giving advice
- Criticizing
- Pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event
- Criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren
- Trying to control everyone and everything including children’s beliefs, and unclear and indirect communication (Harper & Olsen, 2017, p.9).
The
best way to strengthen good relationships with in-laws whether it be
the mother/father or daughter/son, is to create an individual
relationship with that person. “Having regular contact and communication
with in-laws also sends messages that couples value their relationship
with them. Frequency of contact and communication that does not
interfere with each other's being first in the marriage are important
steps for building relationships with parents-in-law.²⁸ Research shows
that when daughters-in-law disclose information about themselves,
communicate openly, accept differences, use empathy, and push for a
relational connection, they can have high-quality relationships with
mothers-in-law” (Harper & Olsen, 2017, p.10).
If
husbands and wives can cleave to each other, put up appropriate
boundaries with their parents, and seek good relationships with their
in-laws, they will be building a blissful marriage relationship.
References
Harper,
J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws
and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, &
D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.
