Guiding Children

I remember when I was growing up, my parents would spank me for misbehaving. This was their primary way of disciplining my siblings and me. Once I became a parent, I knew that I didn't want to discipline my children in the same way, and despite earning my Associate's degree in Early Childhood Education, I still found it difficult to know the proper way of disciplining and guiding my children in every situation. 

I was really excited to read some new parenting discipline strategies from Dr. Haim G. Ginott's best-selling parenting book, "Between Parent and Child." He gives outlines important steps that parents can take to discipline their children. 

Respectful Communication

The first suggestion that Ginott gives in his book is that parents learn to set a good tone in their home through good communication. "Parents need a language of compassion, a language that lingers lovingly. They need words that convey feelings, responses that change moods, statements that encourage goodwill, answers that bring insight, replies that radiate respect...Parents speak more intimately, they speak to the heart, when the adopt a language of caring, which is sensitive to children's needs and feelings" (Ginott, 2004, p.193).

I thought it was so interesting in the book that he suggests speaking to our children as if they are doctors. We would never think to speak to doctors in a disrespectful way. Somehow even in the most stressful situations, adults can find a way to communicate with other well-respected adults in an appropriate way. Sometimes this can be hard, especially when parents didn't receive that treatment when they were a child. 

"Parents need to become convinced of the futility of nagging and pushing. Coercive tactics only breed resentment and resistance. External pressure only invites defiance. Instead of trying to impose their will on children, parents are more likely to influence them when they see their children's points of view and involve them in solving a problem (Ginott, 2004, p. 197).

Good Listening Skills

One of the most important things that we can do as parents is to be good listeners. When we listen to our children, they learn that they can trust us, even when they share anger, upsetting thoughts,  complaints, or intense feelings. One of the ways to improve our listening skills is to remove some of the unhelpful responses to "unpleasant truths" (Ginott, 2004, p. 199). Ginott outlines a few examples of parental responses that may push our children further away: 

“What a crazy idea” (dismissing) 

“You know you don’t hate me” (denying) 

“You’re always going off half-cocked” (criticizing) 

“What makes you think you’re so great?" (humiliating) 

“I don’t want to hear another word about it!” (getting angry) (Ginott, 2004, p. 199).

Rather than having these negative reactions when children share things with us, we can have a more positive reaction that will help build trust. We can teach our children that they can trust us to tell us anything by having a more calm, and less judgmental reaction. 

Acknowledge Feelings

Ginott suggests that instead of doing these things, we should acknowledge our child's feelings. This doesn't mean that we agree, but that we are open to listening to things that we might not want to hear or that may even be unpleasant to us. 

"Do not deny your child’s perceptions, do not dispute his feelings, do not disown his wishes, do not deride his taste, do not denigrate his opinions, do not derogate his character, do not argue with his or her experience. Instead, acknowledge" (Ginott, 2004, p. 199).

Use Guidance Instead of Criticism

Another suggestion that Ginott gives is to avoid saying "anything negative to the child about herself." Instead of saying that a child is lazy for not getting their chores done on time, a parent could state the problem and give a possible solution. In the case of the chores, a parent could simply state that they need clean dishes for dinner, and that the dishwasher could be loaded. 

Use "I Statements"

Another helpful tips in guiding children is to use "I statements" like "I'm angry, I'm annoyed, I'm furious" whenever parents are frustrated with their children. This is better than saying insulting or shaming remarks. 

There is a great post about "I Statements" and why they are so effective, especially in a therapy environment. When people use "I statements to share their feelings, it helps them to focus more on the effects of the action rather than the action itself, and in this way it can reduce the urge to blame others, and it also prevents people from projecting their thoughts and feelings onto other people.  

Say "No" Gently

Children have a hard time in knowing what they really want and what they need, so it's important for parents to be careful when telling their children 'no' in a more loving way. It can be hard when children are frequently asking for things in the store that aren't in the budget, and one way that parents can be more gently in saying no is by starting the sentence out by saying, "I wish..." I wish I could get you that new toy, but we just don't have the money right now. I know you would have a lot of fun playing with that.

There are many more wonderful ideas out there to help parents learn how to guide their children, and hopefully this has given you a good start!

Ginott, H. G. (2004). Between parent and child: New solutions to old problems (second edition). Macmillan.