Seeking to Understand

As a mom of six children, I am constantly playing the “What is that smell?” game. This very morning, I opened my bedroom door and was immediately greeted with an unpleasant aroma. I instinctively put my detective skills to work to snuff out the source of the pungent odor. Was it an old bowl of oatmeal stashed in the cupboard? Or perhaps something lurking in the bottom of the trashcan? Does the baby need his diaper changed? Turns out it was the latter and I took care of it right away. Thankfully, the smell soon dissipated and everyone in the household went back to normal. 

In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr. John M. Gottman describes that we can use “marital poop detectors’ in our marriage relationships. “Those who refused to put up with lots of negativity—who insisted on gently confronting each other when, say, contempt or defensiveness threatened to become pervasive, wound up happy and satisfied years later. These findings suggest that every marriage ought to be equipped with a built-in early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy. I call this system the Marital Poop Detector because it’s really a way of recognizing early whether something just doesn’t smell right!”

Just as I woke up in the morning and something didn’t smell right, so too can we examine our relationships and determine if something isn’t right. Maybe our spouse is more irritable or doesn’t want to spend any time together. Maybe we are feeling more distant from our spouse and wish we were closer. The following questionnaire will help you to examine the relationship to see if there is something that needs to be addressed.

The Marital Poop Detector Questionnaire

Instructions:

Use this questionnaire to assess how things went in your marriage today (or lately), and whether you want to gently bring up an issue that will draw the two of you closer. Check as many as you think apply. If you check more than four, think about talking things over gently with your partner, within the next three days.

1. I have been acting irritably.
2. I have been feeling emotionally distant
3. There has been a lot of tension between us.
4. I find myself wanting to be somewhere else.
5. I have been feeling lonely.
6. My partner has seemed emotionally unavailable to me.
7. I have been angry.
8. We have been out of touch with each other.
9. My partner has little idea of what I am thinking lately.
10. We have been under a great deal of stress and it has taken its toll on us.
11. I wish we were closer right now.
12. I have wanted to be alone a lot.
13. My partner has been irritably.
14. My partner has been emotionally distant
15. My partner's attention seems to be somewhere else.
16. I have been emotionally unavailable to my partner.
17. My partner has been angry.
18. I have little idea of what my partner is thinking.
19. My partner has wanted to be alone a lot.
20. We really need to talk.
21. We haven't been communicating very well.
22. We have been fighting more than usual.
23. Lately small issues escalate.
24. We have been hurting one another's feelings.
25. There hasn't been very much fun or joy in our lives. (Gottman, 2015. 281-282)

It can be hard to talk about challenges in a marriage. Just like changing a poopy diaper or taking out the trash, sometimes we may not want to deal with it or our spouses may not want to either. Remember when talking it out to use the other principles of positive communication like having a soft startup and using repair attempts. 

Forgive Yourself

According to Gottman, one source of criticism in a marriage can come from a spouse who experiences a great deal of self-doubt. “It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of on’es life. Particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself…If you consider yourself inadequate, you are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner…The best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws…One route toward forgiveness may be your personal spiritual beliefs…Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism.” 

If we are struggling with self-criticism and having it spill into the rest of our life, then we can counter that by trying to accept the person that we are, and look for the good things in our lives. Here are a couple of ideas for how to show more gratitude.

An Exercise in Thanksgiving

Step 1. For one week try to be aware of your tendency to criticize, to see what is missing, to focus on what is not there and comment on it. Try instead to focus on what is right. Notice what you have and what others contribute. Search for things to praise. Begin with simple things. Praise the world. Appreciate your own breathing, the sunrise, the beauty of a rainstorm, the wonder in your child’s eyes. Utter some silent words of thanksgiving (to no one in particular) for these small wonders in your day. This will begin to change your focus on the negative.

Step 2. Give at least one genuine, heartfelt praise to your spouse each day for an entire week. Notice the effects of this exercise on your partner and yourself. If you are able, extend the exercise one more day. Then add another day. Extend the exercise to others — for example, to your children. When you meet someone new, look for what is special about this person. Appreciate these qualities. Remember, this all has to be genuine and heartfelt. Don’t be phony. Notice these positive qualities. Enjoy them. Try to tell people what you notice and genuinely appreciate about them. Just find one thing for each person. Ignore the shortcomings. (Gottman, 2015. 283-284)

As we seek to find the things in our marriage that just don’t smell right, seek to accept ourselves as we are and show gratitude each day, it will greatly strengthen our relationships and we will truly have a blissful marriage.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.