Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

When I was younger, I remember going to a bridal shower for my aunt who was about to get married. One of the games we played was a giving marriage advice and then she would pick her favorite. People wrote things like, "Never go to bed angry," or, "Don't eat crackers in bed." Some of it was silly and some of it was serious. This was something I remembered as I got married and received all kinds of similar advice, some of it even contradictory. So what is the best advice to give to newlyweds? Is there a way to divorce-proof marriage?

 

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According to John M. Gottman, author of "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," there are behaviors that greatly increase the chances of divorce. In his book, Gottman stated that he can predict whether or not a couple will get divorced with 91% accuracy, just by observing their interaction with each other for 15 minutes. He has studied marriage relationships for over 40 years, and has even created a "Love Lab" where couples come and are observed by scientists measuring their heart rate, blood pressure, etc., while being recorded and watched through a one way mirror. Through all his research, Gottman has developed a list of behaviors are almost certain to lead to divorce. Gottman wrote, "Anger between husband and wife doesn't itself predict marital meltdown. Other couples...argue far more during the fifteen minutes of videotaping...Yet I predict that many of these couples will remain happily married-and they do. The clues to...future breakup are in the way they argue, which leaves them vulnerable to increasing negativity and distrust."

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Behavior #1: Harsh Start-Up
The first behavior that can be a predictor of divorce is the way a conversation starts. If it starts in a negative, accusatory, or sarcastic way, that can be a sign that neither the conversation nor the marriage will end well. For example, a wife brings up the unfair divide of housework to her husband in an accusatory and negative way. "When a discussion leads off this way-with criticism and sarcasm, which is a form of contempt-it has begun with a harsh start-up...A harsh start-up simply dooms you to failure. So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over."

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - Conquest, War, Famine, & Death
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Behavior #2: The Four Horsemen
Gottman goes on to explain that there are four types of negative interactions, that he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If they are running through the relationship, they will most certainly destroy everything in their path. These include: 1. Criticism, 2. Contempt, 3. Defensiveness, and 4. Stonewalling.

Criticism- There is a difference between complaints and criticism. We will always have complaints with our spouses, which is a normal part of marriage, but criticsm is different. Complaints focus on behavior while criticism focuses on character or personality. Here is an example that illustrates the difference between the two:

"Complaint: There's no gas in the car. I'm upset that you didn't fill it up like you said you would. Could you please deal with it tomorrow?
Criticism: Why can't you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn't. You're always so careless." (Gottman, 2015)

Contempt- Sarcasm and cynicism are both forms of contempt as well as, "name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust...Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than reconciliation."

Defensiveness- Many times during an argument between spouses, defensiveness is used in response to contempt or criticism. Unfortunately, this doesn't diffuse an argument. "Research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You're saying, in effect, "The problem isn't me, it's you."" (Gottman, 2015. 37)

Stonewalling- When the other three horses are present, usually one spouse will shut down or disengage from the conversation by going completely silent, tuning out of the argument completely, or walking away.

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Behavior #3: Flooding
Once stonewalling occurs, that usually means that one spouse is completely overwhelmed physically and psychologically which is called flooding. As Gottman explained, the negativity from a spouse can leave the other feeling shell-shocked and defenseless. They will do anything to avoid being attacked again.


Behavior #4: Body Language
When flooding occurs, it literally changes a person's vital signs. Their heart rate will increase, they will sweat, release adrenaline and their blood pressure will rise. If one spouse is experiencing these things on a regular basis because they are being flooded by their partner, it will most definitely end in divorce. This "fight or flight" response to a spouse reduces effective communication, sense of humor or ability to problem solve.

Behavior #5: Failed Repair Attempts
Saying, "I'm sorry," making a silly face, giving flowers, or any other action to diffuse a tense situation is considered a repair attempt. When flooding has gotten to a high level, spouses may not even be able to identify that a repair attempt has been made. Thus, situations never get diffuse and arguments get more and more tense. This is why failed repair attempts are one of the most accurate ways of predicting divorce. "The presence of the four horsemen alone predicts divorce with an 82 percent accuracy rate. But when you add in the failure of repair attempts, the accuracy rate reaches into the 90s."

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Behavior #6: Bad Memories
The final sign that a marriage will most likely end in divorce is when couples look back on happy memories like their wedding day, or how they first met, and can only remember it in a negative way. Also, if they can't remember why they were attracted to each other or what they used to enjoy doing together, it may be a sign that their relationship is in serious trouble. If a spouse thinks that the only reason his partner gives him a kiss when he comes home is because she wants something from him, then it is also a sign of a serious fracture in the marriage.

Despite these 6 behaviors that can lead to a weak and troublesome marriage, the good news is that there are real and positive things that a couple can do to have a happy marriage. As H. Wallace Goddard wrote in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, "We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become. Marriage is God's graduate school for advanced training in Christian character. Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives."

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I always felt that I had a strong marriage but I never really understood why and I realize now that it's because of the wonderful friendship that I have with my husband. If we develop strong and respectful friendships with our spouses, we will be starting on the right path for having a long and happy marriage.


References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.