Staying Emotionally Connected

One thing I noticed that my husband always does when I make dinner, is he likes to come up behind me when I’m cooking at the stove and put his arms around me, lean his head down on my shoulder and watch what I’m doing. Since he’s about eight inches taller than me, he will playfully say, “So this is what it’s like be you,” and I know he wants to just say hi after a long day of work. Some days, if I put a piece of bread in the toaster, he’ll say, “Whatcha got there?” and I know he wants me to make a piece of toast for him too. Or he’ll come into the living room with a brush in his hand and tell me that he feels like he’s been rolling in hay and says, “Would you scratch at me?” These are all bids for my attention and are an important part of being emotionally connected to our spouse. 

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Bids for Attention

In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman said, “Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what I call “bids” for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away.” Staying emotionally connected is as easy as turning toward our spouse when they bid for our attention.

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If you want to know how well you and your spouse are doing when it comes to turning to each other, ask yourselves the following questions found in Gottman’s book (p.90). Give yourself one point for each true answer and if you scored higher than 12, then turning towards your partner is a great strength in your marriage.

Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance?

• We enjoy doing small things together, like folding laundry or watching TV. (T F)
• I look forward to spending my free time with my partner. (T F) 
  
• At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me. (T F)
• My partner is usually interested in hearing my views. (T F) 
  
• I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. (T F)
• My partner is one of my best friends. (T F)
• I think my partner would consider me a very close friend. (T F) 
  
• We just love talking to each other. (T F)
• When we go out together, the time goes very quickly. (T F) 
  
• We always have a lot to say to each other. (T F) 
  
• We have a lot of fun together. (T F) 
  
• My partner tells me when he or she has had a bad day. (T F) 
  
• We are spiritually very compatible. (T F) 
  
• We tend to share the same basic values. (T F) 
  
• We like to spend time together in similar ways. (T F) 
  
• We really have a lot of common interests. (T F) 
  
• We have many of the same dreams and goals. (T F)
• We like to do a lot of the same things. (T F)
• Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner’s interests. (T F)
• Whatever we do together, we usually have a good time. (T F)  (Gottman, 2015. 90) 

 As H. Wallace Goddard stated, “Our spouses also feel burdened from time to time. Sometimes they seem cranky—but they may be quietly carrying pain and loneliness. Rather than respond to our partner’s negativity, we can invite them to greater closeness and peacefulness when we offer persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned.” (Goddard, 2009. 60)

 

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Sometimes it can be hard to answer our partner’s bid for attention if it is wrapped in anger or other negative emotions or if we’re just plain distracted by technology. Gottman found in his research that if couples responded to bids 86% of the time, they remained married after a six year follow-up. If we do our best to reach out to our partners when they need our love, attention, or affection, marriage will truly be blissful!

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Cherishing Your Spouse

I used to love watching “The Newlywed Game.” In fact, when I was getting married my sister created a similar game that we played at my bridal shower. She asked my husband-to-be questions ahead of time and then at the shower, I had to come up with his answers. She asked things like his favorite food, favorite band, favorite thing that he liked about me, how we met, etc. Of course, I got a lot of them wrong because I didn’t know everything about him at the time. This is one of the reasons why “The Newlywed Game” is so entertaining. Newlywed couples have made a commitment to each other and love each other, but are still learning about each other. In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman calls this process of getting to know important things about our spouses ‘love maps.’ He states, “Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” (Gottman, 2015. 54.)  

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My love map has expanded and become more detailed over the years, and I feel quite confident that we would totally nail it on “The Newlywed Game,” but there are still some ways to improve my love map with my spouse. Even after 17 years of marriage, my husband surprises me by telling me something that I never knew. Having a strong love map is a way to show that your marriage and spouse are important to you. It can also help you get through stressful or difficult times together, like the birth of a child or the loss of a loved one. Strong love maps means strong marriages.

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Strengthening Love Maps

One of the ways that Gottman suggests increasing the strength of your love map is through a series of questions that he calls, “The Love Map 20 Questions Game.” Each spouse should write down 20 numbers between 1 and 60. Take turns asking each other the questions. If your spouse gets the questions right, they get the designated points plus you get one point. If the answer is wrong, no one gets any points. Whoever has the most points at the end is the winner.

 

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As we increase our love maps and take additional steps to cherish our spouse, our marriages will be filled with joy and happiness. As H. Wallace Goddard stated in his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, "It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner's grammar or perceptions and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly. It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partners and yet resist the temptation to smirk. It takes heavenly humility to be proven right and yet to meekly acknowledge that we all make mistakes. It takes divine grace to discard or limit the hobbies that prevent us from helping around the house." If we focus on loving our spouses, making room in our thoughts for the things that are important to them, and avoid endless nitpicking, we will have stronger and happier marriages.

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

When I was younger, I remember going to a bridal shower for my aunt who was about to get married. One of the games we played was a giving marriage advice and then she would pick her favorite. People wrote things like, "Never go to bed angry," or, "Don't eat crackers in bed." Some of it was silly and some of it was serious. This was something I remembered as I got married and received all kinds of similar advice, some of it even contradictory. So what is the best advice to give to newlyweds? Is there a way to divorce-proof marriage?

 

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According to John M. Gottman, author of "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," there are behaviors that greatly increase the chances of divorce. In his book, Gottman stated that he can predict whether or not a couple will get divorced with 91% accuracy, just by observing their interaction with each other for 15 minutes. He has studied marriage relationships for over 40 years, and has even created a "Love Lab" where couples come and are observed by scientists measuring their heart rate, blood pressure, etc., while being recorded and watched through a one way mirror. Through all his research, Gottman has developed a list of behaviors are almost certain to lead to divorce. Gottman wrote, "Anger between husband and wife doesn't itself predict marital meltdown. Other couples...argue far more during the fifteen minutes of videotaping...Yet I predict that many of these couples will remain happily married-and they do. The clues to...future breakup are in the way they argue, which leaves them vulnerable to increasing negativity and distrust."

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Behavior #1: Harsh Start-Up
The first behavior that can be a predictor of divorce is the way a conversation starts. If it starts in a negative, accusatory, or sarcastic way, that can be a sign that neither the conversation nor the marriage will end well. For example, a wife brings up the unfair divide of housework to her husband in an accusatory and negative way. "When a discussion leads off this way-with criticism and sarcasm, which is a form of contempt-it has begun with a harsh start-up...A harsh start-up simply dooms you to failure. So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over."

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - Conquest, War, Famine, & Death
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Behavior #2: The Four Horsemen
Gottman goes on to explain that there are four types of negative interactions, that he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If they are running through the relationship, they will most certainly destroy everything in their path. These include: 1. Criticism, 2. Contempt, 3. Defensiveness, and 4. Stonewalling.

Criticism- There is a difference between complaints and criticism. We will always have complaints with our spouses, which is a normal part of marriage, but criticsm is different. Complaints focus on behavior while criticism focuses on character or personality. Here is an example that illustrates the difference between the two:

"Complaint: There's no gas in the car. I'm upset that you didn't fill it up like you said you would. Could you please deal with it tomorrow?
Criticism: Why can't you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn't. You're always so careless." (Gottman, 2015)

Contempt- Sarcasm and cynicism are both forms of contempt as well as, "name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust...Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than reconciliation."

Defensiveness- Many times during an argument between spouses, defensiveness is used in response to contempt or criticism. Unfortunately, this doesn't diffuse an argument. "Research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You're saying, in effect, "The problem isn't me, it's you."" (Gottman, 2015. 37)

Stonewalling- When the other three horses are present, usually one spouse will shut down or disengage from the conversation by going completely silent, tuning out of the argument completely, or walking away.

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Behavior #3: Flooding
Once stonewalling occurs, that usually means that one spouse is completely overwhelmed physically and psychologically which is called flooding. As Gottman explained, the negativity from a spouse can leave the other feeling shell-shocked and defenseless. They will do anything to avoid being attacked again.


Behavior #4: Body Language
When flooding occurs, it literally changes a person's vital signs. Their heart rate will increase, they will sweat, release adrenaline and their blood pressure will rise. If one spouse is experiencing these things on a regular basis because they are being flooded by their partner, it will most definitely end in divorce. This "fight or flight" response to a spouse reduces effective communication, sense of humor or ability to problem solve.

Behavior #5: Failed Repair Attempts
Saying, "I'm sorry," making a silly face, giving flowers, or any other action to diffuse a tense situation is considered a repair attempt. When flooding has gotten to a high level, spouses may not even be able to identify that a repair attempt has been made. Thus, situations never get diffuse and arguments get more and more tense. This is why failed repair attempts are one of the most accurate ways of predicting divorce. "The presence of the four horsemen alone predicts divorce with an 82 percent accuracy rate. But when you add in the failure of repair attempts, the accuracy rate reaches into the 90s."

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Behavior #6: Bad Memories
The final sign that a marriage will most likely end in divorce is when couples look back on happy memories like their wedding day, or how they first met, and can only remember it in a negative way. Also, if they can't remember why they were attracted to each other or what they used to enjoy doing together, it may be a sign that their relationship is in serious trouble. If a spouse thinks that the only reason his partner gives him a kiss when he comes home is because she wants something from him, then it is also a sign of a serious fracture in the marriage.

Despite these 6 behaviors that can lead to a weak and troublesome marriage, the good news is that there are real and positive things that a couple can do to have a happy marriage. As H. Wallace Goddard wrote in his book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, "We will only succeed at marriage as we use eternal gospel principles to become more of what God has invited us to become. Marriage is God's graduate school for advanced training in Christian character. Those truly succeeding at marriage are those who are applying the gospel of Jesus Christ in their lives."

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I always felt that I had a strong marriage but I never really understood why and I realize now that it's because of the wonderful friendship that I have with my husband. If we develop strong and respectful friendships with our spouses, we will be starting on the right path for having a long and happy marriage.


References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Eternal Marriage

Almost 18 years ago, I got married at the young age of 19, in the Oakland Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and it remains to be one of the best and most essential decisions that I have ever made. Since I got married, or sealed, to my husband in the temple, that means that if I am faithful to the covenants that I made with the Lord, then I will be able to live with my husband and family forever. 

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As Ezra Taft Benson stated in a 1986 address, “On 3 April 1836, the Lord Jesus Christ and three other heavenly beings appeared in this holy temple.

“One of these heavenly messengers was Elijah, to whom the Lord said he had “committed the keys of the power of turning the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to the fathers, that the whole earth may not be smitten with a curse.” (D&C 27:9.)

“Elijah brought the keys of sealing powers—that power which seals a man to a woman and seals their posterity to them endlessly, that which seals their forefathers to them all the way back to Adam. This is the power and order that Elijah revealed—that same order of priesthood which God gave to Adam and to all the ancient patriarchs which followed after him.

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Because Elijah the prophet restored these priesthood keys to the earth, we have the chance to be sealed to our family members forever. This is an important part of the Lord’s plan for us to return and live with Him again. When I married my husband in the Oakland Temple, I knew that I would be making a covenant with God that our marriage would last forever.

Covenant or Contract Marriage?

Some may be asking why get married in the temple or make special covenants with the Lord? Is there a big difference between civil marriages and temple marriages?

Bruce C. Hafen believes there is a big difference between the two. He calls them contractual marriages and covenant marriages. In 1996, Hafen stated, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.

“Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth…because he…careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd…and I lay down my life for the sheep.” Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee.” (Hafen, 1996)

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When I met my husband, I knew that he was the right one for me to marry and because I felt strongly since I was a young child, that I never wanted to get divorced, I wanted to marry my husband in the temple. By marrying in the temple, for time and all eternity, I knew I would have a greater commitment that would help carry our relationship through difficulties and trials.

Wolves of Marriage

Hafen goes on to explain that there are three main trials that marriages face today. He calls them the “wolves of adversity” in reference to the wolves in the Savior’s parable of the hireling. These are three things that can have such a profoundly damaging effect on the marriage to the point of destroying it. 

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Natural Adversity

The first is the “Wolf of Adversity.” These are natural events of life that can strain and test a relationship. As an example, my husband and I experienced a great trial when our youngest son was diagnosed with Laryngomalicia when he was 2 months old. It's a condition that effects the breathing, causing weight loss, poor sleep, and in extreme cases blue spells and low oxygen in the blood. Our son grew out of it when he was a year old and we were definitely glad to have passed through such a difficult health challenge.

Human Imperfections

The second wolf is our own human imperfections. Living with a spouse can be a great trial and sometimes their imperfections can be very difficult to live with. Hafen wrote, “One woman told me through her tears how her husband’s constant criticism finally destroyed not only their marriage but her entire sense of self-worth. He first complained about her cooking and housecleaning, and then about how she used her time, how she talked, looked, and reasoned. Eventually she felt utterly inept and dysfunctional.” (Hafen, 1996)

Our reaction to the imperfections of our spouse can have a great impact on our marriage for better or for worse.

Excessive Individualism

The third wolf is the extreme individualism that pervades our society. The idea that we need to be left alone and don’t really belong to anyone and don’t want to be tied down with messy relationships is becoming more common. To quote Hafen, “Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone.” (Hafen, 1996)

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As we make covenants with God, we receive great blessings in this life to overcome difficulties with our spouses. The Lord will bless and remember those who keep the commandments. In the words of David A. Bednar, “As a husband and wife are each drawn to the Lord (see 3 Ne. 27:14), as they learn to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of their distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children. Ultimate happiness, which is the very object of the Father’s plan, is received through the making and honoring of eternal marriage covenants.” (Bednar 2006)

References:

Bednar, David A. (2006). Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan, Ensign, June.

Benson, Ezra T. (1986). What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children about the

Temple, Ensign, April, 1.

Hafen, Bruce. C. (1996) Covenant Marriage, Ensign, Nov, 26-28.